The Handicap Machine
by ArcaneChronis
Summary: Squall and his friends all have a common trait after their 10th Anniversary Date: Their money had just gone down the drain. But strangely, it was Seifer and his new girlfriend who suggested building Demented Dimensions, and along came the Handicap Machine


The Handicap Machine By: ArcaneChronis  
  
Disclaimer: Excuse me for asking, but why are you reading the "Disclaimer"?! Isn't it anticipated to be the most humdrum fragment of any FanFiction? And why would I be so cheap as to not qualify for a jam-packed FanFiction Premium Membership if I owned Final Fantasy VIII? Obviously, child, I don't, so you can exhale and read on!  
  
Author's Notes: Greetings! Pardon for the dim-witted Disclaimer! It's just in my demented temperament to do so! Alright, enough of this hogwash!  
  
Chapter 1: Behold...The Galbadia Mall!  
  
"...And so, I want a brand-spanking new set of burnished amethyst nunchukus, a humongous collection of nice, extra-fuzzy, light-magenta stuffed piglets with angel wings – and they have to be magenta, Zell, reddish-pink! It gives me shivers to think that you can actually survive with all those dark colors... - a cherry-colored Chocobo with a solid-gold, heart-shaped pendant, having 'Zelly-Welly Rox!' engraved intoto it..."  
  
"Wow, Selphie!" Zell exclaimed excitedly, massaging his temples furiously, thoroughly in a daze, "I'm glad that you want my name on your Chocobo..."  
  
"And I'm glad that Rinoa doesn't want as much..." Squall muttered silently to himself, but his fears were confirmed later.  
  
"Thanks for the compliment, Zelly-Welly!" Selphie beamed, grinning tackily at the martial artist, unaware of how mechanical Zell was sounding.  
  
"You sure are welcome..." Zell said weakly, a bead of sweat slowly crawling down his forehead.  
  
"Save the appreciation for later!" Selphie snapped playfully, "I'm not finished with my 'Gifts Suitable-Enough for an Extremely Hyper-Active Selphie' list yet! Now where was I? Oh yes, the Chocobo. Perhaps you can buy me a leash, a purple one, studded with gold, for starts. Then, if you would volunteer and really want to..."  
  
By now, Zell wasn't too sure whether he wanted to "volunteer" to offer anymore anniversary presents to Selphie anymore. His smile, which was often jovial, was now twisted into an uncomfortable, cheesy smile. Not that he didn't love her because of the expense of the gifts, of course...  
  
"So, how about it Zelly-Welly?" Selphie questioned, once again using the pet name in such a sickly-sweet fashion that it was amusing from the bystander's point of view, "Is that too less? I could always combine those with my 'Give Selphie More!' list!"  
  
"T-t-too l-less?" Zell stammered, looking thoroughly mortified, "Why Selphie, I think it's just fine for you to leave it like that..."  
  
Seeing that Zell was on the verge of tears replacing his sweat, Quistis laughed.  
  
"Oh, come on, Selfie!" Quistis chuckled, "Give the poor man a break! He's your poor man, for that matter, so let it go!"  
  
"Alright, Quisty!" Selphie sighed in mock exasperation, "You know I love you whether you give a present or not, Zell, or do you realize that it's our anniversary at all?"  
  
This comment was greeted by hoots of laughter from Seifer, while Rinoa and Quistis "awww-ed" dreamily, thinking of their own boyfriends, Squall and Irvine. Zell just looked relieved, and realized at once that he could fit this into his budget.  
  
Rinoa, was smiling innocently, though perplexed, "Why all the alarm, Zell? My list was longer than Selphie's..."  
  
Ah! Squall's fears: CONFIRMED!  
  
Squall flushed rosy-crimson, though it could have been from shock or dread. Rinoa could be persistent at times, especially since this is their 10th Month Anniversary...  
  
"Joking, Squall, you can exhale deeply now," Rinoa said, gently laying her hand on Squall's muscular shoulder, once again sending chills through his spines.  
  
"Ha! Cheap little Squally Wally!" Seifer taunted sulkily, "I would have bought the entire list even if you weren't joking..."  
  
Seifer was the only one missing out on the excitement of the event. The three couples were all having their 10th Month Anniversary in a few days, and he had no one to be with. He was attractive all the same, but his "cruelty" to animals ("Aww! But setting firecrackers to baby Geezards isn't that bad!") sometimes scared away all the tender-hearted girls.  
  
"Cheer up, Seifer," Zell said, thumping, or rather whacking, Seifer on the back, "Your chance will come, trust me."  
  
"Trust a chickenwuss?"  
  
"Say what?!"  
  
* * *  
  
Zell and Selphie  
  
"Zelly-Welly!" Selphie's voice sang out, so high-pitched (and a teensy-weensy bit off-pitch for that matter) that it startled a mob of shoppers near the Galbadia Mall's entrance, "Oh, Zell! I know you're hiding somewhere!"  
  
Zell was crouched behind a tin trashcan, curling into a ball and praying relentlessly, hoping that his bright-scarlet vest will not be noticed among the greenery. He was NOT about to be dragged into the mall to pick out formal dresses! Sure, Selphie is cute in dresses (not that she had anything else BUT dresses), but spending hours being asked "Which one do you like better, Zelly-Welly?", is not his idea of entertainment.  
  
He would rather spend his times "swatting-flies", as Seifer calls it, working holes into a punching bag, but hey, this was the Selphie that mattered most in his life!  
  
"Found you!" His thoughts were interrupted as Selphie quickly led him out of the safety of the trashcans, "Where were you? Let's go clothes- shopping!"  
  
Oh, dear...?  
  
Squall and Rinoa  
  
"Aren't you excited, Squall?" Rinoa squealed, hugging Squall, who looked deathly pale and ready to collapse under the gigantic shopping bags full of clothes.  
  
"Let's see, what else do we need?" Rinoa wondered aloud, shuffling through mountainous piles of jewelry, finally pulling out a long scroll of parchment, "Lilac-scented perfume, check. Elegant velvet vest for Squall, check..."  
  
She was completely oblivious of Squall, squirming under the weight of the baggage, struggling to cling on to both the load and Rinoa, who was hobbling her weight on top of it all, reading the shopping list.  
  
"Long black funeral dress?! Was this Irvine's idea of a perverted joke?!"  
  
"Look, Rinoa..."  
  
Rinoa continued to scuffle, disregarded Squall's constant complaints under the burden.  
  
"Hmm...Sweet cologne for men...Wonder where I could find something that fits Squall?"  
  
"Rinoa...?"  
  
"I think I might as well purchase that pearl necklace we saw earlier, huh?"  
  
"RINOA!!!"  
  
"Now just a second here, Squall, I'm almost done," Rinoa chided, though Squall's forehead was now covered with beads of cold sweat, "I wonder if pink pearls look better on me? What do you think, Squall?"  
  
"..."  
  
"SQUALL!!!"  
  
Squall was lying dead under the load. (Or is he?! ^o^)  
  
Irvine and Quistis  
  
"Hey, Quisty!" Irvine flashed a roguish wink at the SeeD instructor, "Well, aren't you gonna be lookin' sizzling-hot on our triple date!"  
  
"Cut it out, Irvine!" Quistis shot a glare at him that would have curdled milk, "Don't give me that crap!" Though secretly, she couldn't help but hide a pleasant smile.  
  
"Fine, fine, fine!" Irvine grinned, "Let's look find a dress for you. Maybe a poodle skirt? That should look cute on you! Pink, perhaps?"  
  
"What about that black-and-white one over there?" Quistis suggested, wrinkling her nose at the thought of a poodle skirt.  
  
"The one with the label 'For Activities of Anguish Only'?! Nah, how about that one?"  
  
"Which one?"  
  
"The neon-green miniskirt!"  
  
"..."  
  
---*---*---*---*---*---  
  
A triple date?! Squall dying from lack of air?! Quistis and Irvine?! Oh, what has this world come to?! Help us, as we live in fear of the legendary giant, purple Chocobos!  
  
Err...Would you believe me if I told you that I was typically not so hyper? Geez...I just had a pound of liquid sugar! That's not much, for goodness sakes! Reviews, please! Lots of flames and feedbacks are needed! Thanks! 


End file.
